Success

I wrote this about two and a half years ago, right after I turned 19. You'll be able to tell, as my writing style veers towards immaturity in an attempt to get laughs during the final third of the piece. I'm still posting it, however, because I feel the first two-thirds are as good a logical progression brainstorm as I've ever done.

As a whole, it still works as it is. If I were to go back, edit the first two-thirds a bit, cut and rewrite the final third, it would be far better. We'll see if I'm up to it. I highly doubt it though. So, without further ado:




"Success"

What does it mean to succeed? Is it really the achievement of goals one sets for oneself? Or is it the achievement of goals that others find to be extraordinary? I believe that it is the latter.

Take, for example, the common usage of the word “success.” Hardly ever will a person be found saying “I really feel as if my life has been a success” or “now that I’ve succeeded on this project, I can move on to the next one.”

Conversely, one rarely goes a day without commenting on, or hearing about, another man’s success. The word “success,” it seems, is not usually attributed to oneself, but to another.

One more commonality can be found in the usage of “success” - namely, it is used when describing those wealthier than oneself. Whether one is describing an athlete, businessman, or even a relative, the one common factor is that they are all wealthier than oneself.

“Success,” in my eyes, is nothing more than another way to put people into classes of rich and poor. It is not the achievement of goals one sets, nor is it the achievement of goals others find to be extraordinary (yeah, so I was wrong at first…shoot me).

“Success,” at least how it is commonly used, is just another way to applaud the wealthy, to grovel at their feet, while simultaneously spitting on the face of the poor.

What word is the opposite of success? Failure. What word is commonly used to describe those in poverty, without assets and motorized vehicles to transport them from one place to another? What word is commonly used to describe those that have drug problems, that made a mistake and don’t have the ability to pull themselves up on their own?

Failure.

The words “bum,” “druggie,” “crack head,” and “hobo” are also used quite a bit, but these all essentially mean the same thing - they have the same connotation - failure.

Unless, of course, someone is wealthy.

If someone is a rich son of a bitch, they go from being a “crack head” to “someone with a drug problem.” Depending on how rich the person is, it can even wind up being the drug company’s fault the person became addicted (provided, of course, the person is hooked on prescription drugs rather than methamphetamines).

“Those companies make drugs that someone can get too easily addicted to! They should be sued!”

Well, when someone is popping five pills every 3 hours, they’re probably going to get addicted.

Which brings me to my final point. Words like “success” and “failure” are destroying our concept of what the most important things in life really are. My solution: start using the two words properly. Believe me, it’s not hard to do.

To truly be a “success” in life, one only has to fulfill 3 objectives:

1) Don’t kill yourself. Killing yourself, whether it is intentional or inadvertent (included in “inadvertent” is being a whore and winding up with AIDS), means you fail.

2) Don’t kill someone else. If you kill someone, you fail. If it’s in self-defense, then you don’t fail. As for the would-be killer, he fails twice for inadvertently killing himself while attempting to kill someone else. Don’t go there.

3) Don’t rape someone. Raping someone is a good way to fail. If it’s one of those situations where you were both drunk and she’s embarrassed so she says you raped her, then you both fail - the guy for being stupid and the girl for being a super bitch.

So, in conclusion, if you are alive and haven’t killed or raped someone, then you are a success. Congratulations. If you are dead, or have killed or raped someone, then you are a failure. Boo on you.